Obviously, restaurant reviews aim to inform readers about new spots that changes; but they also entertain, with some making us giggle and guffaw inappropriately. Here are some of the most en pointe and most scathing lines of writing from the past year that perfectly sum up dining experiences.
Chris Nuttall-Smith
Chris Nuttall-Smith has always been one of our favourite writers. His writing in the Globe and Mail has always been spot on. Here are some of our favourites:
“The cornmeal-fried squid was the sort of salty that friolates tonsils and leaves your lips with chemical burns. It was the sort of salty that you can’t even pretend to try to eat.”
Rose and Sons Swan: Toronto diner is a work in progress. Globe and Mail. October 23, 2015.
Regarding the chopstick rests at Kasa Moto:
“Some of the stones are glossy smooth and as wide around as two-dollar coins, while others are dull and lumpen and only a little bigger than mini jawbreakers; you wouldn’t want to misplace one in your soba noodle and cashews dish. They have by all appearances been sourced in bulk, at random – take this bucket, kid, and fill it with rocks because we’re gonna build a modern Japanese restaurant.”
“You would never know, for instance, that you might want a warm, tiny bowl of peau de lait – that’s milk skin, for the uninitiated, set and skimmed and layered into a just-warm custard so voluptuously, densely milky and buttery-sweet that proper Italian burrata seems like Cheez Whiz by comparison.”
Toronto restaurant Alo goes all in on high-end dining – and wins. Globe and Mail. October 2, 2015.
Alexandra Gill
“Succulent pink-poached veal tenderloin was laid over a glossy pool of demi-glace so meaty and rich it evoked the image of a voluptuous Boll-inspired warrior goddess easing into a mud bath.”
Bauhaus: Sophisticated German cuisine worthy of a Michelin star. Globe and Mail. September 4 2015.
“Torafuku suffers from millennial syndrome. It is all about instant gratification and how good the various elements look on Instagram rather than fitting together as a harmonious whole.”
Vancouver’s Torafuku is a confusion of boldly flavoured dishes. Globe and Mail. October 30, 2015.
Regarding the ambiance at Red Truck:
“It’s a place where fairy-tale dreams can come true – for frat boys.”
Amy Pataki
“I can’t blame the constraints of veganism for Hogtown making a bland Bloody Caesar ($8). This has little to do with lack of clams.”
Hogtown Vegan’s fair — but fun — take on junk food gluttony. Toronto Star. November 25, 2015.
“The 7,500-square-foot space is as intimate as a conference centre, with Indian Muzak and servers who make sure you order the correct balance of wet and dry dishes.”
Sanjeev Kapoor's Khazana offers modern Indian food in Brampton. Toronto Star. December 2, 2015.
In the same review, there lies another gem:
“The room fills by 8 p.m. on weekends with multigenerational families and groups of single males ordering Coke masala ($4); it’s The Real Thing spiked with sulphurous black salt and tastes like an unpleasant electrolyte replacement drink.”
Sanjeev Kapoor's Khazana offers modern Indian food in Brampton. Toronto Star. December 2, 2015.
Lesley Chesterman
“A pouf of celery root mousse arrived in a dark bowl atop shreds of smoked trout and trout roe, the whole sprinkled with cinder dust. Adding crackle to the pop of the eggs, the velveteen of the fish flesh and the foaminess of the mousse were little bits of crisped trout skin. I lapped it up in four bites.”
Dining review: Le Mousso's tasting menu has it all. Montreal Gazette. October 20, 2015.
Regarding a dessert at Liverpool House:
“I quite liked it, but once one of my dining companions said, 'It tastes like Pledge,' there was no going back.”
Review: Liverpool House is a great place to eat and be merry. Montreal Gazette. May 28, 2015.
John Gilchrist
“Despite the odd name, nixtamalization is not some strange cultish behaviour; rather it’s the perfectly legal way in which corn is soaked and cooked in an alkaline solution to remove the outer hull.”
Native Tongues takes taco traditions seriously. Calgary Herald. July 17, 2015.
“Be forewarned, Whitehall’s butter is more than just butter. It’s butter blended with pork drippings and served with thick slices of housebaked bread. You might not make it past the bread course.”
Allan Kellogg
"The worst dish of the evening came first, which is always a treat. The so-called 'hearty' vegetable pasta soup ($5.99) seemed to involve dumping frozen vegetable medley into boiling water and possibly waving a bouillon cube over the sorry, tasteless bowl."
“Gone are the pricey tasting menus, excruciatingly detailed dissertations by your server on each precious ingredient, magic show presentation tricks and vastly overpriced flagons of Okanagan goof.”
Change is good at Edmonton's North 53 restaurant. Edmonton Journal. November 24, 2015.
Renee Kohlman
“The plastic cutlery was the tiniest I’ve ever seen, and granted I do have the hands of a first baseman, but even my friend, who has dainty girlie hands, noticed how awkward it was to cut through cabbage rolls with a fork and knife made for a child.”
