Ladies love Leo DiCaprio, Chris Pratt and Jon Hamm. So by male logic, women must love their highly awesome dad bods. It’s not threatening, it oozes teddy bear charm, and it’s the hallmark of a low maintenance guy.
But not all guys can have a dad bod. It takes months, sometimes weeks, of dedication to eating the right foods, a strict regimen of activity, and a paradigm shift in the way one thinks about his life.
As a seasoned food writer turned nutritionist (for the duration of this article at least), and having worked on perfecting my dad bod for the last 10 years, I can share with you my secret for getting rid of those repulsive six-pack abs and gaining that perfectly squishy bod that women so hotly desire.
Just follow these easy steps, and in no time, you will have a dad bod. I guarantee it, or your money back!
Food
Pick one dish from each group to form a complete meal, twice a day. (No sane person is up early enough to eat breakfast anyways.):
Group A
- Cast iron pan fried bacon, extra crispy
- Baked bacon, normal crispy
- Weaved bacon mat
- Bacon gravy
Group B
- Smoked ribs
- Hot wings and ranch dressing
- 48 oz. porterhouse steak
- Tempura soft shell crab
- Fried Chicken
Group C
- Bagel and double cream cheese
- Beer
- Random pasta
- Beer
- French baguette and churned butter
- Beer
Group D
- Pittsburgh steak salad
- Onion rings
- Potato chips
- Corn nuts
- The garnish you get with hot wings
Exercise
Four days a week pick a different exercise from the following list:
- Biceps and triceps lifts: Get a one-litre stein filled with liquid. Continually lift to lips and put back down on the table, alternating between left and right arms until empty. Do a second rep.
- Distance cardio: Head out for a run. Find a runner in yoga pants. Keep up for as long as you can or until you pass a pub. Go in and order wings.
- Leg day: Find a bar on the second floor of a building. Climb stairs to get to bar. Have one drink, and then go outside for a smoke. Climb stairs to get back into bar. Repeat for five reps. On the sixth rep (optional), drunkenly fall down stairs and speed walk home.
- Core strength: Stand on tippy toes to reach cookies on top shelf of pantry. Eat one from package, get on tippy toes to reach for cookies from another box. Repeat for all every box of cookies you have, and replace packages.
- Ab crunches: Lay down on the sofa with an open bag of nacho cheese Doritos at your feet, and baseball game on TV. Sit up, reach down and grab a chip. Return to resting position. Repeat every 45 seconds.
Sleep
You must follow the sleeping patterns. This step is absolutely critical in getting a nice, evenly round stomach.
- Wake up no earlier than 11 a.m. If you do wake up earlier, lay in bed to check Facebook/Twitter/Instagram on your phone until the appointed time.
- A three-hour nap is allowed only on Saturdays and Sundays.
- You must fall asleep in under 10 minutes after the end of sex.
- If sleeping after 3 a.m., it must be preceded by a dirty water hot dog and copious amounts of alcohol.
